FOUR: MUMMY DEAREST
The following “advertisement” was found in the January 2001 edition of Readers’ Digest. Just sharing for laughs, and as a tribute to all our wonderful mothers…
The Mother of all Jobs
If you advertised for a mum this is what the ad might look like.
And applicants can forget about holidays…
by Maggie Groff
(Source: Readers’ Digest, January 2001)
Essential Criteria: Female
Desirable Criteria: Income from family trust. Relative who owns a bar.
Driver’s licence. Applicant must be able to control vehicle with broken air-conditioner in heavy traffic while listening to choking baby in back seat. You will have the ability to concentrate while singing “Incy Wincy Spider” and know the location of every public toilet. You will be experienced in loitering outside youth venues at night.
Catering. Must be capable of pre-planning menus for varied appetites for at least 18 years. Supply of own milk to infants is required as is frequent dinner preparations for large numbers.
Administrator. You will be directly responsible for control of budget estimates, complaints and negotiations.
Nurse. Must be able to exist without sleep for up to six days while completing other duties. Must display proficiency in caring for the sick in the early hours of the morning. Stain-removal ability is highly sought after in this category.
Early childhood educator. Must be able to recite the complete works of A.A. Milne and be cognizant of everything written about dinosaurs. Ability to make necklaces from macaroni and dental floss will be well-regarded.
Tailor. Must be able to design and sew rabbit outfits for concerts.
Hairdresser. Applicants must have ability to detect and treat head lice, remove chewing gum from hair and cut a straight fringe while receiving verbal abuse.
Bike engineer. Will need to be conversant with all aspects of bicycle maintenance, including fitting and removal of stabiliser wheels. Applicant must be able to repair punctures at a camping site. A first-aid certificate is required.
Veterinary assistant. Must care for and train a variety of pets after owner has relinquished ownership of them. Frequent feeding and cage cleaning required. Must be well-versed in neighbourhood dispute resolution and conduct occasional burial services.
Painter and decorator. Will be conversant with removal of sticky products and graffiti from doors. An ability to paint ceilings while cooking is an advantage.
Telephonist. Will have the ability to hold discussions on the telephone while someone is hanging off leg and someone else is banging a tin with a wooden spoon. Must provide sustenance to teenagers on the phone to avoid medical effects of prolonged stasis.
Landscape gardener. Must be able to start lawn mower, operate gardening equipment and keep house plants alive. Must know phone number of local poisons centre and be abreast of latest methods of composting, pruning, seed cultivation and tree surgery. Must know location of every mouse that has died and been buried.
Entertainment officer. You will coordinate sporting functions via telephone and trips to the school office. You will be required to coach games in all weathers and encouraged to enter into strong discussions with opposing factions. Purchase and maintenance of equipment required. Must be able to hold parties, make jelly and invent games where everybody wins.